Funny how you can look at something and know it is not going to be a big deal in 5 years, even 1 year or a few months, but you still can't convince your heart of anything different. We were supposed to bury Xiao Mao last night in the Bamboo Forest, Si Si was taking me there. But plans didn't work out. We planned for this morning but it has been raining cats and dogs (*sarcastic laugh*) all day. So, traveling any where on crutches was out. Plus, neither of us had a shovel. So, there Xiao Mao sat, in an apple box in my living room. Realizing that a two-day old cat can't be any good as a house decoration, I made the only decision I could.....the dumpster behind my apartment. It is cleaned out everyday, so at least she won't make anyone/thing sick.

I've had a lot of time in my house lately, I watch the bird man from my front window and the trash man from my bedroom window. Every afternoon he comes by and hand picks all the garbage out of the dumpster, carefully feeling each bag for signs of recyclable items (you get money for recycling here), pulling out the prizes he finds. It always makes me sick. No one should have to dig through trash to make money, plus I always give my recycling to Yang Aiyi so she can make money. I feel like I am cheating him, he takes my trash but doesn't get any benefits. Anyway, the apple box is something that would be a nice find. I didn't want him opening it and finding a dead cat. I wrote on it, saying dead cat inside please don't open it....Si Si says he will open it anyway.....if you need money you need money.

I couldn't stop thinking about the rain all day. I know she is just a cat, and I know she is dead now but I had to keep trying to convince myself that she wasn't suffering, cold and wet in box in that dumpster with the rain pouring down. It reminded me of how I used to try to talk myself into understanding that my stuffed animals were just fuzz and cotton and that they didn't have feelings or emotions so it was ok if I left him/her in the closet. I never fully convinced myself.