I heart yaks

Today has been rough. I've been full of internal angst. This morning, one of the group members suggested that since it was Sunday, we ought to observe the Sabbath by discussing what Tibetan Buddhism means to our Christianity (whatever the hell that is supposed to mean). Normally I'm up at least listening to a discussion about religion. But I blanched at the thought of this group, who has been doing nothing but criticizing the Tibetan Buddhists in order to promote their own feelings of right-ness and chosen-ness. I am by no means an expert on the subject of Buddhism, but I am venturing to say that neither is anyone else in the group. I don"t understand the self-righteousness of Christians. In their effort to save the world, they condemn it in the process. (I realize that I, too, am being self-righteous by suggesting that I know a better way to go about the practice of religion, but the thing is, I don't know a better way, all I know is that there is no way that this sort of evangelical, pompous, presumptuous method can be it). I kept my mouth shut though, and I shouldn't have. Clues have been dropped that perhaps some of these people in the group may be giving donations to support me. In light of this news, I've tried to make myself as pleasing as possible. I realized, on the way to Ganden monastery today, what an awful idea that was. I'm so ashamed that I have let my desire for MONEY get in the way of me standing up for what I believe in and standing up for the people that I love. ARHG! I honestly can't believe myself sometimes. So, I had this epiphany only to completely abandon my steadfastness a few hours later. On the way back from Ganden, the plan was to eat lunch. The rest of the group balked at the idea of eating AND riding in the jeep (heaven forbid) and wanted to sit at the road and eat. Normally I wouldn't give a shit one way or another, but as soon as the people walking on the road realized we were foreigners, I group of children gathered around our open windows, pushing their faces and hands in asking for food. Immediately I was sick. Here we were, a jeep full of fat Americans (and CHRISTIANS, no less) and outside were 10 starving Tibetan children wanting some food. All I wanted to do was leave, I was frustrated the others saw it as fine to just sit and eat while they watched. That is the problem with me, see, if something is uncomfortable, I want to just leave so I don't have to experience the uncomfortableness, instead of taking action to just do something. I should have given them the bread and carrots that I ate, but I knew one has to be careful because of the phenomenon of pimping children out in China. Instead of most of the starving children on the street being just starving, they are "working" for a pimp who actually enjoys all the goods (money, food etc) of what the children collect--the children aren't really working at all b/c they get nothing for their efforts and are actually starved more or maimed to make them more pitiful to passer-byers. There's a catch 22. By feeding/giving money to children on the street, you aren't helping them but supporting the pimp. By not giving, you are endangering them that they may be hurt for not collecting enough. God, what kind of fucking world is this? All this to say, I don't know. I should have given them something, maybe...? Or I should have at least told the group--what the hell are we doing eating in front of these pitiful children.......? But, instead I just buried my head in my arms and waited for it to be over. It makes me no better than anyone else in that damn jeep. I don't know what I am doing here--how I can even begin to help...Even if I knew a starting place would I actually do it? Or just put my head down. Sorry this is a depressing, angry email. I hope no one was looking for a pick-me-up.